An Alchemist's Goodbye
by Miss.Puppet.1
Summary: No one knew why Ed would want to kill himself. But he's safe now. Right? TW: Suicide attempt, suicide, self-harm
1. Chapter 1

He was running, but he didn't know why. There was no way they could have noticed he was missing by now. No way they could have found the note this soon. And there was definitely no way they could guess where he was going. He was safe, and his plan was safe.

Yet, there was a nagging sense that maybe, just maybe, he underestimated how much they cared, or how much they knew about him. But he pushed that thought away immediately. They didn't care. They had to have realized that they don't need him anymore. Al has his body back. Winry has the job she always wanted. As for Mustang, well, Ed had helped out enough. There was no reason he needed to stay. They would easily forget him.

After everything he had gone through, every homunculus he fought, every obstacle he jumped over, he managed to keep moving forward. But now it was time to rest. He only kept going because, with everything going on, he was able to ignore what was happening in his head. Things that no one would understand. He was Edward Elric, the famous Fullmetal Alchemist. He was a hero, the best alchemist Ametris knows. He saw the Truth, and bargained with it, sacrificing his only chance for a normal body to give his brother one. Yet here he was. Standing at this spot. A cliff with the most beautiful of views. A golden river stretching into the distance, towards the setting sun. After he and Al had finished their quest, and there were no more fulltime adventures and rescues, this had become his favorite place. Away from Central and Head Quarters and assignments and…everything. It was perfect. Nestled in the forest and practically secret, as no one else seems to go there. Here was the only place Ed felt happy and free. The best possible place to kill himself.

He respected the place too much to jump, though he felt that was a little ridiculous. He wanted the last thing he saw to be this horizon. And so he transmuted his metal arm into its all-too-familiar blade and he pressed it into his flesh. It dug into his wrist, and he could feel his pulse pushing back. He took one last look at the sun sinking behind the distant mountains. With one last breath, he jerked his arm away, and smiled as he felt his skin give way to the blade.


	2. Chapter 2

Al burst through the door, into Mustang's office. He tried to catch his breath while he shoved a piece of paper into Hawkeye's hand and swiped his eyes with his other hand. Hawkeye looked away from Al's tear stricken face and leveled her gaze to the messy handwriting, recognizing it immediately as Ed's. She couldn't stop the gasp leaving her lips as she scanned the letter. At Mustang's command, she started to read in a shaky voice.

_Hey Al, _

_I know you're wondering where I am by now and I hope you'll forgive me for this. I'm leaving, but not in the usual way. See, I'm leaving for good. Don't get all caught up in it though. Okay? _

_I've been thinking about this for a long time, before we even got your body back. I don't think you'll fully understand, but I have to do this. It's the only way. I'm just so tired. So tired. So, I'm going to the only place I can. Maybe I'll see the Gate again. I don't actually know what happens when you actually die. But I guess I'll find out. _

_Don't you dare try to bring me back. Or follow me. I'd hate to have to beat you up again. And don't bother trying to find me. _

_Take care of Winry and the old hag. Tell Colonel Bastard and the rest that they weren't actually that bad to work with. And take care of yourself, okay? Since I won't be able to keep you out of trouble. Or get you into it. _

_I love you, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you that more often. _

_Goodbye, Brother. _

Al fell to the ground, curling into himself as his body shook with silent sobs. Hawkeye dropped the letter and looked at Mustang, who was staring into space. After a few moments of complete silence, Mustang stood up, knocking his chair over and slamming his fist on the table. Al and Hawkeye jumped as Mustang's shaky voice interrupted their tears. "Find him," he whispered. His voice rose to a yell, "WE HAVE TO FIND HIM!" He walked over to the door, where Havoc, Breta, Fuery, and Falman stood, leaping to attention out of habit. From the look on their faces, Mustang could tell they had been eavesdropping. "We have to find Ed. Quickly! We'll send out search parties if we have to. I assume he's not in his room?" He addressed his question Al, who was trying to control his emotions.

"No. But...I might know somewhere he could be," he said quietly.

"WHERE?" The question echoed as everyone yelled.

"I don't know why I didn't think of this before, but," Al cleared his throat, "He doesn't think I know about it, but I followed him one day, when he tried to sneak away after a fight…" His voice trailed off before remembering what he was saying. "Come on. It's through the forest, but not far away." They ran as fast as they could, following Al towards the setting sun.


	3. Chapter 3

Ed was drifting off when he heard the sound of branches snapping, and heavy running footsteps, getting closer and closer. A voice cried out his name. It sounded familiar, as did the other voices following it. They were screaming something. It sounded like it could be his name. He struggled to remember what was happening, and why he hated hearing those voices. Somehow, as the voices got closer, he managed to think past the fog, vaguely remembering what he was doing. The voices got much louder and hands started turning him over. He struggled to get out of their grasp when he realized who they were and what they were trying to do. "Get off me," he mumbled as loud as he could. "Leave me alone. GET AWAY!" He managed to scream as he tried to get away, towards the cliff. Hands restrained him as the darkness washed over him again.

Some voice reached him through the haze, before he was gone completely, 'Brother, it's okay. We've got you. You'll be okay."

Al refused to leave the bedside.

It had been over 24 hours since they got Ed to the hospital, with the faintest of heartbeats. With the help of the machines, Ed's heart started beating normally, and his breathing leveled out. His arm had thankfully stopped bleeding, despite the large and deep gash that ran from wrist to elbow, in a shaky diagonal line. He had lost a lot of blood, and the hospital staff struggled to find enough of a compatible blood type. But despite everything, Ed was alive. He was alive. Pretty soon, he'd wake up. At least, that's what the doctor said.

Mustang and the others were called away on important business, but they said they would be back as soon as they could. Winry was too far away to get here quickly, though she said she would take the next possible train. Meanwhile, Al was alone with Ed, who would have looked dead if not for his chest gently rising and falling. Al tried and failed to stop his mind from wandering. "_Why would brother do this? He said he'd been thinking about it for a long time, but for how long? How long has he wanted to…kill himself? Why didn't he tell anyone? Someone could have helped him. Why didn't he tell me? We're supposed to be a team. We've gone through so much together. We fought death so many times. Why give in now? Why give up now? Why? WHY?"_ He jumped when he realized he had yelled the last one out loud. He clenched the bed sheet as tears returned to his already puffy eyes. He rested his head on the bed, trying to control his breathing. He was so concentrated on his breathing that it took a few moments to realize Ed's hand was starting to move.

He looked up and gasped when he noticed Ed's eyes were open, staring sadly at Al. "ED!" Al grabbed Ed's hand, squeezing it tightly.

"Al?" Ed smiled unhappily at his brother. "Hey."

Al grinned, "BROTHER! You're alive!"

Ed's smile quickly left his face. He stared at his brother with a look of despair. "Alive?" he whispered. His eyes fell to the ground as they filled with tears. "You found me."

Al smiled, misunderstanding his Ed's tears. "Yep! We found you and we saved you. Mustang, Hawkeye, everyone. We found you and brought you back! You're safe!"

"Saved me…" Ed laughed, "You idiot."

Al moved away in confusion, "What?"

"You were supposed to leave me," Ed whispered, turning his head away. "Al, I'm tired. I'll talk to you later, okay?" With that he curled up into fetal position and cried, refusing to answer Al's desperate questions.


	4. Chapter 4

"I don't know what's wrong, Mustang. Why isn't he happy?"

"It appears that Fullmetal was serious."

"Of course he was serious! But…" Al trailed off, not knowing how to complete that thought.

Hawkeye slowly laid her hand on Al's shoulder. "Sometimes, people do realize that they don't actually want to die. I guess…I guess Edward is not one of those people. Yet." She paused, "He'll get there. We just have to support him and help him recover."

Al sniffed, "Okay." He raised his head defiantly. "I won't give up on him! Never!"

Hawkeye smiled sadly, "Good. Let's get back then." She led Al back into Ed's room, where a doctor was checking Ed's heartbeat.

Ed cradled his hurt arm in his lap, staring with empty eyes, and his metal arm was tied to his side. "Ed?" Al whispered, before the doctor silenced him with a gentle wave of his hand.

The doctor leaned over, trying to catch Ed's attention. "Edward? Your brother is here. With your friends." When Ed did not respond he continued, "They're here to make sure you're okay. Will you talk to them? They want to help take care of you." Ed's only movement was to pull him arm into his chest. The doctor sighed and stood up. He beckoned Al and the others to the hall. "I guess he doesn't feel like talking quite yet. He'll get there. It will take some time for him to recover. Don't worry about it, okay, son?" He patted Al's shoulder. "He'll be perfectly fine. Just you wait. Until then, he'll have to be on 24 hour watch. We've started to check everyone at the door for sharp object, or anything else that Edward could use to hurt himself. I hear that your friend Winry will be arriving later today, yes? And she's Edward's mechanic?" Al nodded. "Well, we have to ask her to properly remove Edward's automail. We can't let him transmute it again. We tried to remove it after the blade was taken off, but none of us know how it works. As you've noticed, we have it restrained, but we can't keep it like that. Send her my way when she gets here, will you? For now, I think our Edward needs a bit of rest." With one last pat, he walked away and flagged down a nurse to watch Edward.

Al stood at the station as the train pulled in. Winry practically jumped out the door before the train came to a complete stop. She ran to Al and cried into his shoulder as she grabbed him tightly. "Is he okay?" Her voice cracked.

"He's alive. But he's not talking. We…You need to take his arm off. The doctor says he could try to hurt himself again."

Winry buried her face into his shirt again, but she nodded in agreement. "Let's go," she whispered, pulling back and wiping her eyes. She grabbed Al's arm as they walked slowly back to Central Hospital.


	5. Chapter 5

"Fullmetal?" Mustang pulled the door behind him, nodding at the nurse in the corner. The only proof that Ed was listening was his eyes flicking towards him and holding his gaze. "Can I sit?" Ed gave a sluggish nod. Mustang lowered himself in a chair and pulled it up to the bed breaking eye contact to look at Ed's stump, incomplete without his usual automail. Ed followed Mustang's gaze to his missing arm and lowered his head. Mustang pretended not to see the shameful tears that fell from Ed's eyes.

"What do you want?" Mustang blinked in surprise. A glance at the shocked nurse proved that this was the first full sentence that Ed had spoken for a while.

"I just…I wanted to see if you were…uh…"

"Let me guess, 'okay'?" scoffed Ed. "Of course. See?" He raised his arm. The bandage had been taken off days ago, showcasing the multitude of stiches holding the cut close. Mustang could tell that the cut had barely begun to scar noticeably.

"Ed…" Mustang trailed off, unsure of what to say. He had never heard the Fullmetal Alchemist talk with such disdain.

"Just go away, Mustang. Please," Ed's voice became a whisper as he turned away.

"I'll come back later, assuming I'll actually be able to see such a small person." When the usual retort didn't come, he stood up and opened the door, almost missing Ed's next words.

"I wish you wouldn't."

- Hawkeye was the next to visit. Not knowing what she could possibly say to help Edward, she sat in silence.

After a few moments of awkward silence, Ed spoke up first. "Are you here to pity me too?"

Hawkeye leaned forward carefully, "Not if there's nothing to pity. Is there?"

"No reason for anyone to pity me," Ed shrugged.

"Then I don't pity you," she sighed. "You're one of the strongest people I have ever known, Edward."

"Yep. That's me. Really strong."

"I mean it, Edward." She grabbed his hand, "And I can't wait to see you full of energy again. I know it will be soon."

Ed pulled his hand away, "Don't hold your breath."

Hawkeye began to reply when the door opened to reveal Havoc and the rest. Hawkeye looked back at Edward and, seeing his passive face, left him to the boy's cheerful greetings.

- There seemed to be an endless stream of visitors throughout the day, and Ed looked forward to the end of visiting hours, the only time he could be (almost) alone. A new nurse sat in the corner, reading some sort of book, and glancing up every few minutes to check on him. It pissed him off, but he knew he couldn't complain. He had to start acting like he was getting better. It was the only way they'd leave him alone. He understood why they thought he was sick, but he didn't feel like he was. Unfortunately, he also understood that that statement would just make him even more "sick". He had to start being who they wanted him to be. He had to try.

The next day, he answered more questions, tried to stop zoning out, and act a little livelier. But not too much, or they'd know he was pretending. Maybe after enough pretending, it will become more natural and real.

He still didn't know if he actually wanted that, though. He'd have to wait and see. Until then, it was time to convince everyone he wasn't still suicidal. Then he had to convince himself.

It wasn't long before Al and Winry came to visit. He made a vague attempt at a smile, but knew it probably wasn't convincing. At least he was trying. That'd have to be enough for now.

Winry was the first to talk, "Hey, Ed! How are you feeling today?"

All Ed could do was shrug. Blatantly lying about his wellbeing was too much right now, but the truth wasn't much better.

"Well that's better than yesterday, right?" Al's smile made Ed's stomach clench but he forced himself to smile in return."I brought some alchemy books for you to read, if you want. I know you don't need them, seeing as how you're a genius, but I figured you could use something to do."

Ed reached out for the book but stopped when he remembered that he only had one arm, and the books were too much for one hand to grab. Seeing his brother's fallen face, Al placed the books on the bed. Ed looked down at the top book, recognizing the very first alchemy book he and Al had read. The memories brought a smile to his face, which made Winry and Al smile too.

"It's nice to see you smile again, Ed," Winry said.

Ed nodded and picked up the book and put it back down again. 'Hey, Al. Winry. I'm a little tired today. I think I'll take a nap. But I'll talk to you more tomorrow, okay? First thing." He forced a smile and waved as Winry and Al left the room.

As soon as they were gone, Ed looked over at the nurse to make sure she wasn't watching. He turned his back towards her and started rubbing his stitches on the mattress, something that had become a habit for him when no one was around. He made sure nothing happened to the stitches, but he welcomed the pain, no matter how little. He inhaled sharply as a stitch caught on a stray thread. It was that pain that followed him in his sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

The days bled into each other, each one the same as the last. The same people visited, the same nurses sat in the corner, and the same doctors checked Ed's stitches and gave him the same pills. Eventually the stitches came out and eventually people relaxed more around him, no longer worrying that he was going to try to jump out the window, or steal the doctor's pen and stab himself with it.

Ed was finally acting more like himself. Even he finally started feeling more alive. He allowed the visits to last longer. He smiled more and laughed more. He slept less and read more. Things were started to look brighter for everyone. The doctor's allowed him to walk around (with an escort) and the nurses only came to watch over him at night.

One ridiculously sunny day, the doctors decided to let Al take his brother outside, provided that they stay within arm's reach of each other. Ed looked up at the white clouds, reveling in the much needed sunlight hitting his face. He allowed Al to hold his hand as they walked through the hospital gardens. They came to rest under the tree towering in the center of the garden. They were silent for a moment as they reclined in the cool grass. Al moved his hand over his brother's once more. "Hey, Ed," he started out quietly.

"Mm?"

"They wanted me to ask you…" He took a deep breath, "Will you promise me something?"

Ed sat up, "Promise you what? What did they say?"

"Well, they wanted to know if you wanted to leave soon. They said they'd be willing to release you if you moved in with someone. And I was wondering if, maybe, you'd like to move back with me?"

"Al…" "But you have to promise that if we live together you'll never do this sort of thing to me every again, okay?" Al could feel the tears starting to form. A long pause followed.

Finally, "Okay."

"Really? Do you promise?"

Ed smiled, "I promise. I would never try to hurt myself if I lived with you." He had barely finished his sentence before Al crushed him with a hug.

"That makes me so happy to hear, Brother!" Ed smiled as they lay back down. Al held onto his hand for a few minutes before raising them towards the sky. Ed's long scar shone in the light. "Brother?" He said in a small voice.

Ed closed his eyes, knowing the question before he replied, "Al, I don't know if you'd understand or not."

"But can't you at least give me a chance. I need to know, Brother. Why…" His body shook against the tears. "Why would you try to leave me like that?" Al dropped his hand down. "What did I do wrong?"

"WHAT?" Ed shot to his feet. "You think it's because of you? All this time?" He knelt down as Al hugged his knees and nodded. "Al. Come on. You never did anything wrong. Okay? Listen to me." He lifted his brother's head to look him in the eye. "I did what I did because of me. Not you or anybody else. You've been the best little brother anyone could ever ask for. Remember all the times you saved me? Even when it was me who always got us into trouble?"

Al's head moved up and down, but he couldn't look Ed in the eyes when he spoke, "Than…why? You fought for life so many times. You refused to give up. Why now? You said you'd been thinking about it for a long time, but why?"

"Al…It's hard to explain. I fought on because I needed to get you your body back. I couldn't leave you like that when I was the only one who could help you. But the whole time…well…everything seemed to just weigh me down. I was getting so tired, Al. So tired. I thought that it would all be better once we got you back to normal, but that didn't help. I didn't want to ruin anything for you, so I didn't say anything. After that, I kept thinking 'Maybe if I do this, it will stop' or 'maybe if I do that, it will stop.' But it never did stop, no matter what I did. In fact, everything just made it worse. Even now, over a month of doing nothing but think about it, I can't really explain it. The pain, the exhaustion, the weight…it's all just…there."

"What about now? Are you doing better now? I mean you don't feel like doing anything now right?" Al looked up expectantly. "Of course not, Al," Ed smiled. "Not now."


	7. Chapter 7

The doctor sat down in the conference room, surround by Ed's closest relations. "I want to talk to all of you about Mr. Elric and ask for your thoughts and opinions regarding his care. Mr. Armstrong? You weren't here when Edward was having problems, but do you think he's back to his old self?"

"Well, I would have to say that if I didn't know what had happened, I would believe he was the same as always. So, yes."

The doctor inclined his head in thanks. "Mustang, sir, - pardon me for not using your title, but I find it so cumbersome, I hope you don't mind - what are your thoughts on Mr. Elric's wellbeing?"

"It's alright, doctor. As long as you don't mind me not using your name, since I find that 'cumbersome' as well," the room laughed and waiting for Mustang to go on. "I'm not sure what I think. He's always been a stubborn kid, but I don't know if that means he's stubbornly doing better or stubbornly pretending to do better." The room nodded in agreement.

"I see," the doctor replied thoughtfully. "And it seems that the rest of you agree?" He looked around the room as everyone nodded again. "Well, that puts us in a hard spot, since Mr. Elric would never admit to faking his health."

"Sir, if I may," Hawkeye spoke up. At the doctor's go-ahead, she continued. "Alphonse has agreed to live with Edward, and I think we all know Edward would never hurt himself in front of his brother. Perhaps if Alphonse keeps a watchful eye, Edward would stay safe?"

The doctor shook his head, "Thank you, but that would never work long term. We need to know if Mr. Elric is trustworthy on his own. Otherwise, I'm afraid we'd have to move him to Building C." Everyone stiffened and looked at the window, toward the psychiatric ward across the garden. "Judging by your reactions, I assume we'd prefer to keep Mr. Elric out of there. Any other suggestions?"

Armstrong began to raise his hand, "Sir, if our main concern is Fullmetal's trustworthiness, perhaps we could test him?"

"What would you have in mind?"

"Perhaps we could give him some more freedom. Or at least and illusion of freedom."

At this, Winry perked up, "I still have his arm! I could reattach it, and we could watch to see if he tries a transmutation?"

Mustang spoke up, "I don't know about that. What if he tries and no one can stop him fast enough?"

The room filled with suggestions and questions until Al's voice rose above them, "I have an idea." The room quieted and everyone turned to him. "Maybe we could let him wear it had a certain time everyday , and take it off when time's up. I know that Brother would do anything to get his automail back. Giving it to him in increments, and letting him know what we're doing, would probably be enough to motivate him. He definitely wouldn't try anything if it would stop him from getting it back. He takes all kinds of risks, but I don't think he'll take that one. He hates not having an arm."

The doctor sat back silently for a few moments before continuing, "Yes. I think that could work. And while he's wearing it, we can make sure to have people close by to stop him from trying to hurt himself. Eventually, should he prove trustworthy, we could let him have it fulltime. I am hesitant about the automail, but we cannot keep it from him forever. I will talk to him tonight and Ms. Rockbell?" Winry looked up, "Will you be able to reattach his arm tomorrow? And be ready to take it off after an hour or so?" Winry nodded vigorously. "It is settled, than. Thank you all. Should you have any questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to find me. If you'll excuse me, I must attend to my other patients." The doctor dismissed himself and left the others to discuss the plan.


	8. Chapter 8

Ed could barely sleep, thinking about getting his arm back and all that would imply. He knew they'd watch carefully, and he'd have to be extremely cautious. If he tried anything with his automail, he'd be sent to Building C. That went without being said. If he didn't show them his very best and if he took too long to prove himself, it would take that much longer to get home.

Those thoughts only led him to his usual thoughts. Why he was there and what he would do when they let him go. He promised Al that he wouldn't try anything when they live together, but that was an easy promise to keep. He couldn't stop thinking about that night and how close he got. Then there were the reactions. Even Mustang worried. He had hurt lots of people and would keep hurting them as long as he was in here. That left only one viable option. He had to get out of here as soon as possible. So he would play along. He would show them that they can trust him, that he's safe enough to send home. He was Edward Elric. This would be easy.

He drifted off at some point, and woke up; quickly remembering that today he would get his automail back. It was only for an hour and Al, Armstrong, and Hawkeye would all be there watching him, to make sure he didn't do anything. The doctor told him that if he kept being good, the amount of guardians would go down and the amount of time would go up. No problem.

Winry had to fully reconnect the automail to his body, meaning that the nerves had to be connected. Fortunately, Ed had gone through enough of this that it didn't bother him as much as the first time. It still hurt more than anything else, but he didn't mind the pain. She explained that she made adjustments to the automail so she wouldn't have to remove the whole thing and reconnect it every day. It also helped that she had more time, and didn't have to hastily remove it like she did after the attempt.

Once the process was finished, Ed flexed his fingers and grinned. He thanked Winry and bounced off the bed onto his feet. The quick movement got quick reactions, with everyone moving forwards before realizing he wasn't trying to transmute anything. He stretched his arm and moved it around to get accustomed to the weight. It had been over a month since he had his automail, and he wasn't about to waste his precious hour with it doing nothing.

The doctor permitted him the go outside with his guardians, and the next hour was filled with as much activity as possible, without scaring his companions. When the hour was up, Winry removed the automail, forearm down. Anxious for the next day, Ed went to bed early.

-The next couple of weeks passed by with no problems even as Ed was permitted to wear his arm for 8 hours and was only watched by Al. People relaxed and began to fully trust Ed with his automail. They even let him transmute a little bit each day, though that was only allowed in a guarded room. It wasn't long before the doctor agreed to let Ed wear his automail all night, though Al had to sleep in the room with him. No problems arose and plans to release Ed started to cautiously form as everyone forced themselves to relax and trust Edward with himself.

The week of Ed's release was coming up fast. Everyone wanted to talk to him to remind him of the plan, and his responsibilities when he left. He was to let Al know whenever he left the house, and was to be transported by either Hawkeye or Havoc to wherever he needed to go. Should there be no problems, he would be allowed more leniencies. He had to visit a therapist once every week for as long as necessary. If he started to feel like hurting or killing himself he was to tell Al, Mustang, or his therapist. The rules were simple and easy to follow, but Ed wasn't really listening.

He was anxious to get out. He had waited nearly two months to get out, and he was finally going to leave. Anyone watching him could see his leg bouncing and a half smile on his face. But no one noticed the contemplating look behind his golden eyes. The unexpected calmness resting on his face. Or even the shorter, distracted replies to the people talking to him. Even if they had noticed, they'd think he was preoccupied by the thought of going home. And they'd be right.

The day before his release was an exciting one, though for the first time all week, Ed was quiet. If not for the smile on his face and the gleam in his eyes, everyone would be worried about a relapse. As it were, people came in and out, voicing their eagerness, giving their support, and going over the rules once again. Ed was given his old clothes, and his state issued pocket watch. Mustang promised Ed sometime before going back to work, but made it clear he was expecting him as soon as possible. Al chattered about all the things he got for Ed's room. Not a single person in the room was silent, except for Ed.

During every lull of well-wishers, Ed fingered his scar. It was still an angry red, and would be for quite some time. There on his wrist it would remain for the rest of his life, constantly reminding him what he did. He thought about what would have happened if he had succeeded. Where would he have gone? To or through the Gate? Or would there be nothing? He had never stopped wonder for his entire time here, but today the thoughts were more prominent than usual.

All he wanted was to be left alone. That Is why he was flooded with relief when night fell, and his room was finally empty, except him and his thoughts. He sat on his bed, fully clothed in his usual outfit: the black set of shirt, pants, and jacket; the pair of white gloves; his platform boots; his pocket watch; and his vivid red coat. He stared out the window and planned for tomorrow.


	9. Chapter 9

Al woke up fidgety and elated. Today was the day Ed came home. He quickly got ready for the day, and checked soon-to-be Ed's room. He was happier than he had been since Ed's suicide attempt.

He was practically running when he left the house, taking the shorted route to the hospital. He made his way directly to Ed's room, only to find it empty. He shrugged and sat down on the newly made bed. Ed probably went to the bathroom or cafeteria or something. He knew Al was coming at this time. He would be back soon.

Minutes passed until one hour had passed. Al had been pacing for the last half hour, his apprehension cumulative. He finally hailed a nurse and asked if she knew where he was. She said she didn't, but gave him a list of places to look. Al checked all the bathrooms, checked the library and the cafeteria and the gift shop and lobby. His pace increased with every room he checked and every person he asked. He called Mustang who promised he'd get there as soon as possible.

Suddenly it occurred to Al to check the garden, Ed's favorite place. Al wandered around, looking in every hiding spot he could find. His search was ineffective and he sank under the tree he and Ed had spent so much time together. His head sank to his knees as he started to feel sick. The worst of possibilities came to his head, but only one seemed likely.

With the garden nearly empty, it wasn't difficult to hear the sound like a coin hitting the ground. But this was much louder than a coin. Al got up, curiosity getting the better of him. When he reached the spot where the object landed, his heart sank. It was a State Alchemist pocket watch. Feeling even more sick and even more apprehensive, Al looked up. One the roof of the four story high Building C, Ed stood, holding something that Al could not make out. It took a moment for Al to find his voice but when he did he screamed. "BROTHER! NO! PLEASE DON'T DO IT! YOU PROMISED! ED! BROTHER! DON'T!" He repeated his plea over and over again, the commotion somehow going unnoticed. Al looked around but found no one there, no one coming. It occurred to him that the people in Building C probably screamed many things out their windows. Al continued to scream until another object fell. He heart lurched before he realized it was a notebook, not a body. It had Ed's name scratched on the cover. He dropped it on the ground, and saw Ed waving slowly. He mouthed something that Al could barely make out.

Then, Ed walked off the edge.

Time seemed to slow as Ed fell towards the ground. Once he hit, Al wailed, and stumbled toward Ed's body. He hoped that Ed that still alive, but that fire died the moment he saw the blood and the angle of Ed's neck. A haunting smile was frozen on Ed's bloody face, and his golden eyes were still open, but staring at nothing.

Mustang and Hawkeye finally burst through the door Al had come through. They bolted across the garden, followed by Armstrong and the others. Hawkeye grabbed a struggling Al, dragging him away from the lifeless body, while Mustang checked for a pulse. He slowly turned towards Al, tears beginning to fall, and Al howled loud enough that a crowd finally started to form. Armstrong gathered Ed into his arms, not even noticing the blood soaking his chased after him, having escaped Hawkeye's grasp.

The world disappeared around Al as he touched his brother's precious braided hair, the hair that had matched his eyes perfectly, but was now stained with red. He didn't even realize he had hit the ground, face first, until Ed's eyes were replaced with concrete and his hair was replaced with grass. Hawkeye grabbed him once more, and pulled him into a tight embrace. After what seemed like forever, and Al's wails turned into sobs, Mustang slowly ambled forward, holding the near-forgotten notebook in his hand. He kept his arm extended towards Al until he was ready to take it. Not trusting his voice, or his ability to read, Al handed it to Hawkeye who read softly and tearfully from what seemed to be Ed's journal.


	10. Chapter 10

_-I don't know what day it is. All I know is that last night I failed and this is my first day in the hospital._

_I failed. I wasn't supposed to fail. I was right there. Damn it. Why did they stop me? How did they find me? They should have left me. I hate them.._

_-Been here a couple of days. People keep trying to talk to me. The damn nurse is practically staring at me as I write in a damn crayon. A CRAYON! Can't be trusted with a pen. I guess I don't blame them. Winry took my arm. Can't blame them for that either. But they should stop trying so hard._

_It's my life. Why can't I choose when it ends?_

_-I don't know how long I've been here. I've stopped counting. There's no point. I'm stuck here. This is worse than before._

_-They may never let me out. I can't leave. Unless I could play along. They're expecting me to get happier. I can do that._

_-There hasn't been much to write. It's all the same. I force myself to smile. I force myself to talk. All I want is to die. I wish they would leave me alone so I don't have to keep pretending._

_-I went outside today. I missed outside. They said I could outside more if I behave. I'll have to keep this up. Just to see the sun._

_-How long as it been since I got here? How long since the last entry, even? I don't know. It won't stop. None of this will stop. The smiles. The talking. The pity. The lies. I can't stop. Sometimes I think I want to start feeling better. It seems like it would make everyone happy._

_-I'm trying to care. I know I'm supposed to care about everyone, but I don't I don't care. I can't care._

_-They let me have my arm back. Everyone will be watching me again. I can wear it more if I don't try to hurt myself with it. I'm tempted, but there are too many eyes. I'd never succeed in anything but staying here longer._

_-It's been a while since I last wrote. They're letting me wear my automail at night. They watch me, but not enough. Since I got here, I've been using simple things to feel pain. Hitting my wrist on the bathroom counter. Biting my lip. Scratching and digging my nails into my leg. The pain helps me concentrate. But nothing compares to what my automail can do. I can't do much. I'm still being watched and they've been checking me for cuts every night since I got my automail. But there are places they never check. They only check my arm and leg. They've gotten lazy._

_I don't know how much damage I've done to my torso, but I hope it's not enough to gain attention. I don't want to lose my arm again._

_The transmutation is so small that no one notices. Just one finger, sharpened to a point. I'm ready._

_-I just remembered what Al made me promise. It seems so long ago. He said I could live with him, which would mean I could get out sooner. They won't let me live alone. I promised that if I move in with him, I won't hurt myself. It was hard to keep from laughing as I made the promise. I won't break that promise, since I'm not planning on giving myself a chance to live with him. Anyways, I just remembered that because they said I could leave soon. Al's excited. I'm excited too. It won't be long now._

_-I feel so calm. Unnaturally calm. Everyone is running around and talking at me. I keep a smile on my face, and nod when it seems like I should. But I don't feel anything. I'm ready. Soon._

_-It's almost time. Al left a few hours ago. I'm alone. I know I won't sleep tonight. I'm anxious. In less than 12 hours, I'll be free._

_And this time no one can stop me._

_-It's so quiet up here. A few people are wandering around. I'm overlooking the garden. Staying out of sight. No one can see me. I've been here a few hours now._

_I don't know why I'm waiting so long. There's probably some selfish reason but I don't care._

_Okay. I'm on the edge now. I see Al running around below. I can't move. Do I want Al to be the one who finds me? I suppose it doesn't matter. I won't be here long enough to worry._

_Al's sitting now. Under our tree. Why am I crying? I need to move now._

_Maybe…Now that I think about it, I might as well write a goodbye. I can give Al this book. They might as well know._

_Okay._

_Here I go._

_Hey, Al. Again._

_Déjà vu? You understand now, right? I didn't write done much, but maybe it's enough? I can't do this anymore, Al. It's been so long. I'm so tired. So cold. I can't feel anything. Nothing matters to me. At all. No one._

_I guess that's why it's so easy to do this. You know I love you. I know you love me. I never wanted to hurt you, but I guess I've already done that. Ever since that night, I've been hurting everyone. They would look at me and hurt. Hurting because of what I did. But if I'm dead, that pain will go away sooner. Or it should. You can live without me. I trust you._

_You'll be okay, Al. I know you will. You've always had more life than I ever did. Even when you were stuck in that suit of armor, spending the nights alone and unable to feel anything, you wanted to live. But, that's the thing, see? I haven't wanted to live for a while now. I stayed alive to help you. I promised. It's my fault you were in that armor. I had to fix it._

_And now, the only thing to fix is me. I'm dragging everyone down. Don't try to deny it. I know I do. I have to do this. I know you won't understand, but I have to._

_My arm is bleeding. Not enough for me to die, since that didn't work last time. It just felt right._

_This time, I'm going to jump like I should have that first time. I just can't say no to the pain, to the blood. It makes it easier to stay focus._

_I think I'm putting this off, even though there's no reason to. Might as well get started._

_But first: I'm sorry for hurting you so much this whole time. And, Al? Like I said last time, don't open the Gate, okay? You can't. You can't get me back, and I don't want you do. You'll be fine. You can live without me. You don't need me anymore._

_Okay._

_I'm ready._

_I'm standing up now. Writing is a bit harder, but worth it. You're still sitting under the tree. I think you're crying. I'm going to drop my watch now. There. You've seen it. Soon you'll see me and I'll give you this book._

_Then I'll be free._

_Finally._

_For good._

_Al._

_Forgive me._


End file.
